remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
