I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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