I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
