Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
