Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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