If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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