I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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