wrigley field is MILF paradise
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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