there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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