We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
