my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
