turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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