dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
