Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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