she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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