I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
