I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
