Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
