Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize