Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
