I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize