I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
