i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
