Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
