Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
