What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
