I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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