OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
