Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
