ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
