oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
