I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
