Ketchup is God's man juice
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
