i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
