this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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