Your face is a jimmy john
The best revenge is premature balding
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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