It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize