Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
