I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I wear drunk well.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
