Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
