she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
