3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
