yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
