he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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