I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
