I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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