Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
