I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
