I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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