i was born a porn star she said
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
