I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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