It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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