I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
