party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She needs sedatives and a leash
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
