As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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