i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
