The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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