She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
