While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
